David Whiting Live

How to Provoke Your Children to Anger

How to provoke your children to anger (Ephesians 6:4):

1. A weak marriage
2. Having a child-centered home
3. Modeling sinful anger
4. Consistently dIsicpling in anger
5. Scolding / Nagging
6. Inconsistent discipline
7. Double standards
8. Being legalistic
9. Rarely admitting wrong and rarely seeking forgiveness from children/spouse
10. Quick to find fault
11. Parents reversing God-given roles
12. Not listening to child's suggestions or ideas
13. Comparing children to other children
14. Not making time for them
15. Not praising or encouraging enough
16. Not keeping promises
17. Correcting publicly
18. Controlling their lives so they make few decisions
19. Allowing too much freedom
20. Not treating them in age-appropriate ways with freedoms and choices
21. Mocking your child
22. Abusing your child physically
23. Calling your children names
24. Unrealistic expectations
25. Showing favoritism

List adapted from Lou Priolo and Paul Tautges

 

Gospel Powered Parenting - A Quote

Last year I read the book "Gospel-Powered Parenting" by William Farley. The subtitle is "How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parents." It was good.

A member of the church staff is now reading this book and reminded me of one of my favorite quotes from the book. I thought I'd share it since I will be teaching on parenting tomorrow:

In the introduction, Farley is talking about children who either thrived in their faith and carried it into adulthood versus those who abandoned their faith as a teen or adult. Here are two of his conclusions:

1. The results appear to have nothing to do with where the child was educated.  In my experience, there have been no qualitative differences in the spiritual output from home schools, Christian schools, or public schools.
2. The common denominator between success and failure seems to be the spiritual depth and sincerity of the parents, especially the spiritual depth and sincerity of the father.  There seems to be a strong correlation between the faith, commitment, and sincerity of the family's head and the spiritual vitality of his adult children.

That is SO true. Tomorrow I will talk about the need for it to be "in you" before it ever gets into your children.  This is a good reminder. Parents often struggle with schooling choices - and those choices MUST be made carefully.  But there is something FAR more important than that schooling choice, and that is the importance of living our faith in Christ.

Great Questions for Teens...

Ali and I read a book together when we went on the cruise in November.  Part of the book was about choices and influences. Here are some of the questions it encouraged teens to ask:

• Are there voices I need to start ignoring?
• Are there shows and movies I need to stop watching?
• Are there places I need to stop going?
• Are there people I need to stop spending time with?
• Are there certain clothes I need to stop wearing?
• Are there songs I need to stop listening to?

Maybe those are questions that aren't just for teens...

 

"Who Cares? I'm Going to Heaven!"

OK - I found out I have some parents upset with me... :)  I've received an email and I got pulled aside in the parking lot on Monday. 

On Sunday, I talked about having our HOPE in the future (Ephesians 1).  And how I can't have a bad day because I'm going to heaven. Let's keep the struggles in THIS LIFE all in perspective.

Lost my job? That's a bummer, but come on - I'm going to heaven!
Girlfriend broke up with me? No big deal... I'm going to heaven!

If we really GET how big of a deal heaven is and how RICH we are because of heaven - the difficulties here and now truly are minor.

Well, apparently, more than one high school student has been saying, "Mom, who cares about that English project? I'm going to heaven!" or other statements like that.

I know that your students are kidding, I think, but just in case, here is a response:

• In the big scope of life - you are right - who cares?
• BUT - the illustrations I used had to do with thing happening TO us, not things we CAUSED to happen.
• We wouldn't say, "Who cares whether or not I do drugs - I'm going to heaven!"  That is a biblical issue that Paul deals with directly (Romans 6:1). We aren't supposed to sin or be irresponsible because God is so great.
• When it comes to grades, our work reflects our character... so we DO CARE what and how we do when it comes to working hard on grades because our character is a reflection of our Savior.

Sorry kids... Mom and Dad care... and so should you...

BUT (on the other hand) - if you don't make the basketball team, if you drop your lunch tray and everyone laughs, if your girlfriend wants to "take a break", if you get in a fender bender, or if you don't get accepted into THAT college - THEN you can say, "Who cares!?!?! I'm going to heaven!"

(I love that you are paying attention, though...)

How to Criticize So You Will Be Heard - part 1

There are some people who criticize or correct me that I instantly listen to and respond well to, and there are others whose criticism drives me crazy and I tend to ignore. In fact, I've determined that two different people can make the same suggestion/correction, and one I will listen to, the other I will become annoyed by.  Why is that? I've thought a lot about it and want to "think out loud" in a way that may be helpful to you.

Criticism is never easy to take. So wehn you feel the desire/burden to criticize, correct or help someone you care about, AND you want to be heard - let me make two suggestions:

1. You will be more likely be heard if you compliment and encourage MUCH more than you criticize or correct.

• There are people in my life that ONLY compliment me. I appreciate them. They encourage me when I'm down; they lift me up when I'm doubting my gifts. They are gifts from God to me.  He knows I doubt myself and need regular encouragement through godly people.
• There are also people in my life that primarily encourage me, but also challenge and confront me on occasion. These are my heroes. I have quite a few of these people in my life. Nine times out of ten, they will encourage me after a sermon, after a meeting, at the end of a conversation, or about a blog. Then, 10% of the time, they will say, "Maybe you should think about this instead."  OR "I have to disagree with you on that one."  OR "I think you responded sinfully to that man in that meeting."  Those are the people that I will hear EVERYTHING they have to say - because they've proven they are "for me not against me."  And when they come to me with a suggestion, correction, or challenge - I listen. I am never offended. 
• Thirdly, there are people that primarily complain.  When I receive an email with their name on it - I know it won't be positive. When they approach me after a service, it will be to tell me how they disagree with me. If I receive a note from them in my box, it is guaranteed to include some type of correction. Those are the type of people God uses to humble me, but I'm not sure he uses them to "correct" those issues about which they disagree with me. I rarely agree with them... rarely.  And I really believe - if they didn't come with ONLY negative things - it probably would be quite different. It seems to me that they think so highly of their opinions that they think, "If I don't say ANYTHING to David, he should take it as a compliment."
• The people in the first two categories are God's gift to me... for my encouragement, growth in faith, and for my growth in Christ. The third group are people that God uses to teach me patience and to humble me.  I don't view them as "Partners" or co-laborers for the Gospel. I find myself viewing them as tools of discouragement.

SPECIFIC SUGGESTIONS on this point:

• Before you criticize - ask, "How often do I encourage or compliment this person versus how often I correct or criticize this person?" If it isn't at LEAST a 3 to 1 ratio - I'd think twice before you send that email or make that call. I'd recommend a 5 to 1 ratio. Whatever the ratio, realize this: the more you encourage and compliment - the more likely they will hear you.
• Parents, please think about this with your children! If a majority of your interaction with your child is about what they are doing wrong, you will NOT be gaining influence, you will be losing it. 
• Live a life of encouragement. By doing that, you will be heard when you need to correct and criticize.
• Don't correct everything with anyone. Pick and choose.

Recently, a friend who literally encourages me 99% of the time approached me and made a corrective suggestion. I never defended myself (I would have ignored it or defended it with people who primarily criticize). And I made a big adjustment based on their feedback.

Suggestion #2 tomorrow...

How To Talk to a Teacher

I loved this article that I came across earlier this week about how to talk to your child's teacher.  WAY too many Christians make fools of themselves and of Christ by they way they approach teachers about issues.  I love this article!!  You can either be a lamp or a blowtorch.  There are too many "blowtorch" Christians, it seems to me.

HOW TO TALK TO A TEACHER - by Chuck Colson

What do you do if you have a concern about what your child is learning in school? Talk to the teacher, of course. But how you do it might make all the difference...

It’s important that you know what values your children are exposed to in school. At some point you may need to talk to your children’s teachers about a concern you have about a classroom activity or reading selection.

Eric Buehrer, author of "Keeping the Faith in Public Schools: How to help your children graduate with their faith and values intact," advises parents how to take a successful approach to talking to a teacher about a concern.

He points out that when it comes to addressing a concern in your school, you can either be a lamp or a blow torch. To be a lamp, Buehrer recommends what he calls the “Help Me Understand” approach.

Before you talk to the teacher, think through why—if what you heard from your child or another parent was accurate—you would like the teacher to change the activity or assignment. Then, use the following four-steps to discuss the issue with the teacher.

First, start the conversation by using the phrase “Help me understand. . .” For example, if you are concerned about a particular reading assignment, you might start by saying, “Help me understand why you chose this book for the students to read.”

At this point in the conversation you want clarification. Don’t jump to conclusions about the motives of the teacher. Don’t be angry. Be sincere in trying to understand the point of the assignment.

The next step Buehrer recommends might, at first, sound unnecessary, but it’s important: Affirm, in general, what the teacher is trying to do. For example, you might appreciate the fact teacher wants the students to learn about the environment, but you are concerned about the particular bias of the book she is using. At this point in the conversation, don’t jump to your concerns. Finding “common ground” is an important part of the discussion.

Buehrer then advises that you transition to your concern by using the phrase, “But have you considered . . .” And don’t assume the teacher will oppose you. In fact, it is better to assume the teacher will agree with you once you explain your concern. It is often the case that a teacher is thinking of one reason for the lesson or book selection, but hasn’t considered what students might learn or be exposed to that the teacher didn’t have in mind.

Finally, if the teacher agrees with you, ask her advice about what might be a good alternative for the class. Of course, the teacher may ask you for your ideas, so be sure you’ve done your homework! Have some alternatives you can present her if she’s open.

Now, if the teacher doesn’t agree to change what the class will be learning, ask for an alternative assignment for your own child.

Our Experience with Public Education

Starting Thursday, all three of my daughters will be in our local public school. Yesterday, I gave our reasons for that choice.  You can read about it HERE.

Last year Emily finished in our Christian school. So Thursday will be the first day that all of them are in the public school. While being aware of the challenges and struggles, I am excited for them. They have the Holy Spirit, the Bible, supportive youth leaders (who support any of the schooling choices), and hopefully, they have parents committed to teach them a biblical worldview.  We have found our experience at our local public school unlike what many had told us to expect. Here are some things we have experienced:

• They have wonderful, caring teachers with love for our daughters
• They've had sacrificial teachers who are there early and stay late (we are shocked at how much time teachers are in the building beyond official school hours)
• They have teachers with a predominantly moral outlook on life (we've found one exception to this in three years)
• One of their teachers taught evolution, and introduced it by saying, "I don't believe this but I'm required to teach it."  Not one teacher has put down or mocked Creation or Christians
• We have also experienced disagreement with teachers - YET - we have discovered them to be very humble and supportive of our disagreements and always willing to adjust curriculum or excuse our child from a class
• Perhaps most of all - we have discovered that the problem typically isn't the teacher. It is with my wife and me not asking enough questions and helping our daughters navigate those challenges.

I can't expect all their teachers to have a biblical worldview - many/most aren't followers of Christ. But I have discovered that they want to be flexible and supportive when our worldviews collide. The challenge for us isn't "reigning" in the teachers.  The challenge for us is staying informed and helping our daughters think through issues they disagree with.  And that is what they will face the rest of their lives. Why not start now while they are still coming home every night? At least that makes sense to us (although we support other choices).

Since my last blog, I've heard typicaly "horror" stories that some have seen or heard (never ones that were personally experienced). Those stories almost always come from those who made other choices (particularly homeschooling), but not from those who have made the same choice we have made (not sure what the means, exactly). But those horror stories simply aren't our experience. Granted, our school system is probably better than most, but that's why we chose to buy a home in this town.

And if we have a teacher with a radically anti-Christian worldview, we look forward to equipping our daughters for the challenge and speaking to the teacher and understanding where they are coming from and asking them to respect our viewpoint (we've had two of these talks with great success and understanding).

Wednesday night at dinner, I asked our girls how many things they remember being taught that were against the Bible or what we've taught them. Three came to their minds:

• "Acceptance" of homosexuality has been pushed once a year (on Peace Day)... more on "Peace Day" in another post
• Teaching evolution (although remember the one taught it but doesn't believe it)
• References to evolution in other readings (5 billion years ago, etc...)

Because we prepped them for these types of things (and more), they weren't shocked or threatened by any of it. I think they are thriving through it and being prepared for the rest of life.

We are also thankful that at least one of the high school teachers attends our church (in fact, he's in our small group). Although none of them have him as a teacher this year, I love that he is in the building with them.

Here is what I think... whatever you choose - you feel strongly about.  That's good. That's how it should be. Let's be people of the Book.  If schooling choices aren't part of Christian Liberty (Romans 14-15), then I don't know what is. Let's be gracious to those who choose differently.

Schooling Choices...

Probably one of the frictions I feel in my job is schooling choices.  Did you know that people feel VERY strongly about their choice for schooling their children? :) I had no idea (kind of kidding).  Did I mention they feel VERY strongly?

For those who don't know, my wife and I have chosen to send our daughters to our private, Christian school through 6th grade. Then, depending on their current spiritual condition, we hope to send them to public school through 12th grade. And as of Thursday, all three of them will be in our local, public school. Although some of you will strongly disagree, here are just SOME of our thoughts:

• We support those who send their children to public school from the beginning. But for us - we felt that while they are young and not as mentally and morally mature, we wanted teachers who agreed with our worldview 100%. Although certainly not required, it is a bonus to us that we don't have to guard what they are being taught in the classroom, and for the most part, the other students have parents with the same worldview. It is a bonus that we aren't dealing with the world's view of "tolerance" and bogus views of "separation of church and state." I'm glad that my children (while in elementary school) didn't even know it was "bad" to sing Christmas songs without equally singing songs of other belief systems. They never knew it was "improper" to say, "God did it" when asked how snowstorms occur before learning how God did it. Sending children to public school from the beginning is a lot harder, I will admit that. Many are up for that challenge, and although we could have done that - we would never trade those first seven years at Northridge School for our children.
• We support those who send their children to Christian schools all the way until graduation. But for us, we felt that once they are old enough to defend themselves and think for themselves, it could be healthy to be in an atmosphere where everyone doesn't agree with them and what they believe. We thought that it would be healthy to be persecuted on occasion for what they stand for. If they are struggling with moral issues or worldview issues or doubts about their faith because of interaction with the world, we have chosen to let those battles happen while they are still coming home every night and we can talk them through those issues. If they were in a Christian school all the way through - their contact with a lost world is limited and friendships with lost people are superficial, at best. Yes, there would be great blessings to a Christian school all the way to graduation (that is my own life-experience).
• We support those who homeschool. But for us, we are choosing a different path. We want our children to have contact EVERY DAY with a godless world and show them the love of Christ by their words and deeds. It is hard, but not impossible to do that in a homeschool or private school environment. For US (not for you) - I hate the thought that their first daily interaction with lost people would be once they are in college without being home every night. Who is going to process that with them? Who will they turn to with casual questions about what they heard someone say or what was taught? Is an 18 year old morally and mentally mature? I wasn't.

If you are reading this and made a different choice, you might be getting worked up right now. It's OK that you disagree - there are GREAT reasons to homeschool. private school through graduation, and public school from day one.  I KNOW there are strengths and weaknesses of every choice - including our choice.  I'm just telling you what we chose. Please don't get angry. Your reasons for your choices would be different. That's ok. Isn't that what Christian Liberty is all about?

If you feel I misrepresented something, feel free to comment about your disagreement.  I respect your choice; I hope you respect our's. Some of our closest friends have chosen differently, but we support each other and it has never been a problem in our friendships. Our staff hasn't even made all the same choices, but we understand the reasons for each other's choices, and can and will defend and support each other's choices.

Thursday's a big day... all three in public school. Am I scared? VERY... Am I excited? ABSOLUTELY... Am I prayerful? MORE THAN EVER...

God, protect my children! ... And help me to help them navigate a world that is lost and going to hell without You!

What Are We Teaching Our Children? - part 2

I didn't plan on a follow up to an earlier post on this topic (read HERE), but there was an article in today's paper that I couldn't resist.

Gary Merritt from Raleigh, NC got in a fight (I assume with his son's coach) because his son didn't play in an all-star baseball game.  What Gary didn't know is that his son DID play in the game, but Gary was late - so he only saw his son sitting on the bench.

Gary was charged with misdemeanor assault. What are we teaching our children? I'm sure Gary thinks he is teaching his children about justice and fairness. How about teaching his son about how to handle life when you think it is unfair...

What Are We Teaching Our Children?

Daniel Longo was cut from a hockey team he was trying out for (part of The Greater Toronto Hockey League). 70 players tried out; 17 made the team. So - how did his dad respond? He filed a lawsuit against some individuals involved in The Greater Toronto Hockey League for $25,000.

Some quotes in the lawsuit:

• "Their direct actions have caused irreparable psychological damage to Daniel Longo's self esteem as an impressionable teenager and demoralized Daniel as an athlete."
• "The conduct by all defendants destroyed the dignity of my son, whom in good conscience gave his team nothing but his best efforts."
• "Moreover, this misguided group of defendants demoralized my wife and I, whom had gone well beyond the call of duty as parents in support of the Toronto Avalanche hockey team for two seasons."

Just thinking... What is Daniel Longo's dad teaching him? I don't know whether to laugh or fear for Daniel's future.

I wonder - although an extreme example - isn't it similar to what happens in homes all the time (to a lesser degree)? I think life-training commonly occurs when parents blame losing a sporting event on referees/umpires. In twenty years of considering the impact of parents teaching their children blame-shifting "skills" - I can't ever remember anyone blaming a victory on officials, only losses. If an obvious call caused their team TO WIN instead of lose, the common response is, "That was a bad call, but there were bad calls both ways."  But if a bad call was made  against their team, "The officials lost that game for us."

Just thinking... what are we teaching our children?